Murder/Suicide: A New Approach
You’ve got the gun loaded, the disloyal wife or lover in your sights, and you’re ready to do the ole murder-suicide bit. You’re taking action; bully for you!
But wait! Let’s take a moment to savor it — the moment. You’re in control, like you’ve never been before, or at least not in the last few months. You hold the life of the person you hold most dear right there in your little trigger finger. A little tug, and the person is gone.
But let’s ponder that a second. Do you really want to have to see that? I mean, it’s disgusting, right? I don’t know where you’re aiming, but I’m guessing it’s the head area. You don’t think this person has a heart, so why aim at something that doesn’t exist? So you aim at the face, that thing that has made you feel so bad, so ugly, so…inadequate.
A bullet hitting a face does a lot of damage. I mean, did you ever see a bullet hitting a face? It’s not pretty. And I’m guessing the whole reason you got to this place is that the person you once loved, maybe still love (in your own way), is quite pretty. Do you really want the defacing of such a face to be the last thing you see in this life?
I’ve got an idea. No, no — hear me out. Maybe you should try turning the gun around and offing yourself first. I know it sounds crazy, but sometimes the most innovative things, like the ironing board or striped knee socks, sound insane at first. Two weeks later, it’s an integral part of our culture. In fact, we can’t imagine life before it!
The great thing about shooting yourself in the head before you kill your wife is that she gets to see the result of the suffering she’s put upon you. She’ll never get over that. For the rest of her life, approximately three seconds, she’ll think of little else.
She’ll doubt everything: the times she ignored your requests for more beer, the pretending to listen to your stories about your day, the men she had the gall to talk to. And then, suddenly, the regret will start to set in.
And then! Right when she thinks it can’t get any worse, you turn the gun on her and kaboom! Gone. You still get to see her face obliterate, but with the added wisdom of someone who is dead or dying. Oh, sweet revenge. Am I right?
Of course, with this added wisdom, you might decide to act more charitably toward your loved one. You may decide to let her live. Research, albeit limited in this field, indicates that suicides, once they have committed the deed, are far less likely to kill others. Could it be that killing oneself changes a person’s perspective? It is difficult to be sure.
One thing that does seem certain is that turning the gun on oneself first is viewed more positively by friends and family. Suicides, while not exactly celebrated in our society, are without a doubt more revered than murderers. Imagine if Vincent van Gogh had killed three or four neighborhood children before firing that fated bullet into his belly. Would we cherish his paintings nearly as much? I think not.
I’m not saying you possess anything near the talent or work ethic as van Gogh. You probably have little talent or gumption, which could explain why your loved one has grown so disloyal. All the more reason to jumpstart your mission by pulling the trigger on yourself. Give it a try!
