Garamonde!

Welcome to Garamonde! We’re so happy to have you here in the music capital of South Carolina. We know you’re all big fans of whatever Garamonde bands you’re fans of, and we want you to know we’re fans of all of them. All of them have made Garamonde what it is today, and we extend our gratitude to each and every one of them. And, of course, to you, because without you, these bands could not have existed.

Now, this bus we’re about to board, like so many things here, has a history. It’s not yellow anymore, but I’ll have you know this was the very schoolbus Mick Binkham, who you might know from a little group called Eek Lair, rode to middle school one day when both his parents’ cars were both in the shop. But that’s not where the history of this bus ends. When Carson Glick was kicked out of The Banes of Existence, he was soon evicted from his apartment and actually moved into this very bus, which was parked behind the Dairy Queen that was just torn down only a few blocks from here!

Most of you probably noticed the crazy paint job on the outside of the bus. Wild, right? Well, when Garamonde Music Tours started in 2009, a team of fine art painters was helicoptered in from a small town thirty miles from here. They worked on this for two weeks! Sorry? No, sir, they weren’t paid for it. No, I promise they weren’t. Okay, they were paid in credits for tours, and their meals and lodging, which was very modest, were taken care of. No, your taxes did not go toward that. Okay.

Well, are we ready? So take a seat on the bus, breathe in the history, and we’ll get started.

Everyone good? Let’s all say hello to our driver, Pete Morris, who used to own and edit the local newspaper before getting his bus driver’s license five years ago! If you want to know anything about Garamonde, just ask Pete. But not while he’s driving! Pete will need to keep his attention on the task of taking you on this wild ride!

Now, if we can just pull out of the lot, Pete, good, immediately you’ll see a shopping plaza on your right. This spot is the site of an historic Garamonde event. Forty years ago Hank Keyerman lived in the storage shed of a warehouse; it was situated behind that Dollar General on the end there, and the manager of the warehouse, which actually stored mannequins, of all things (!), let Hank live in that shed. Well, as you know by his album covers, Hank was a bit of a fire bug! One night, some say while on an alcohol bender, he left some candles burning, and woke up to the shed completely engulfed in flames. If you want to know what the inspiration behind his best known song — who can guess? — right, “Something’s Burning” — which was nominated for a Grammy in 1993 — well look no further than that little area behind the dollar store.

I don’t think Hank knew then he’d eventually own this very property! Pardon? No, sir, he doesn’t own Dollar General. What a thought, though!

Pete, let’s go up this hill and see what we might find.

By the way, the hill we’re going up is actually called Billups Hill, and back when it used to snow, the whole hill became a playground for students of SC Tech — go Vipers! by the way! — and they’d turn everything they saw into sleds, whether it be trash can lids, vinyl siding, windshields — yes, I’m sorry, yes sir? Oh. Oh yes. It is true one student got arrested for using a homeless — I mean, unhoused person as a sled. Anyway — what? No, I think he was sleeping. No, it was never reported what ever became of him.

Well! Now that we’ve gotten that out of the way. Ha! See? Lots of stories in this town! Pete, could you pull into this parking lot…yes, I know you know, sorry. This is the site of the coffee shop where Marci Swanson first performed at an open mike. Can you believe she started out that way? Sharing the stage with unknown singer-songwriters? Of course, back then, she was unknown, too!

Yes, thankyou, the name of that basement venue was The Underground Wire. No, it was in the late nineties it closed down. I think I’m pretty sure it was…what? Yes, it burned down. Electrical, I think.

Anyway! Marci lived in an apartment above that used car dealership over there, which somehow is still in business! She used to wash and wax the cars! Now she has a team of musicians who wash and wax her cars. Isn’t life ironic sometimes?

So, Pete, if you could pull us out and, okay, thanks Pete. We’re continuing north, to a place I think you’ve heard of. How many of you just loooove the song, “Groove Hovel?” Who doesn’t, right? Well, lucky us, we are headed to the very hovel, or small house, really, where Gumball lived and actually composed that song!

Gumball’s members all worked at the Suwannee Swanky that used to be where this Chipotle is. They’d take different shifts, so the house didn’t seem so cramped. There was always someone working! Isn’t that smart? Genius, right?

Pete, could you slow down a little? A little more? Thank you Pete. Now if you turn to the right, everyone, you can get a good vista, what’s left of the Garamonde skyline, right…now! Did you see it? What you saw was the very view of the skyline Gumball had from their Groove Hovel. Pretty neat, huh?

And now we’re here, right at the estimated site of the Groove Hovel. And while we’re at the car wash, why not run us through the tunnel, Pete. What? Oh, here’s a twenty.

IS EVERYONE HERE HAVING A GOOD TIME? HOW COULD YOU NOT, RIGHT? WHO HERE CAME FROM MORE THAN 100 MILES AWAY? WOW!!!! HOW ABOUT TWO HUNDRED? ANYONE? WOW, SIR? HOW FAR? THE PHILIPPINES! MY GOODNESS!!! WHAT? OH, WHAT’S THIS? LOOKS LIKE A PAMPHLET. OKAY. THANK YOU SIR, I’LL READ THIS LATER.

WELL, NOW THat we’re all cleaned up, let’s go…DOWNTOWN!!

Back down Billups Hill we go! Can you imagine sledding down this hill? My goodness, they must have been taking their lives into their hands. What? No, ma’am no fatalities. One student lost his leg but I’ve read they found it. Pete, I don’t think you should try to make this light. Pete. Pete! Well, okay! Ha-ha-ha. More for your money, folks!

Now, downtown Garamonde is still well known for its music scene. Two of the original nightclubs still exist and operate. The Carolina shows films of Garamonde band concerts from the past every night of the week. They stopped having live bands in 2018. What? Why? Mostly due to low attendance, I think.

The other club, The Sillit Watt, still has live acts, though it’s not located at any of the four sites it was at during its heyday. There it is. They still need to take that Chipotle sign down. I’m reading now from its website: “The Sillit Watt showcases live acts that live up to the standard of quality, non-capitalist musical creativity set back when things were good in this town. Please inquire with our booking manager if you do.” Well, good for them. Keeping the dream alive.

Now, as you know, the Sillit Watt was the place to go back in the eighties and nineties. This is where, well, not here here, but where it was located back then, The Armpets got their start, as well as Radio Rodeo, The Calaminers, Blatzkrieg, Callie and the Fragilistics and so many others. Some of the early hip hop stars whose names you may have heard of also played here. Sorry? Who? No, I’m sorry, I haven’t heard of those bands.

As you can see, Pete has steered us out of downtown and toward the legendary west side of downtown, also known as Turtletown. You’ve probably heard of it, but did you know why it’s called that? Well, back in the seventies and eighties the rents were so low, and increased about as fast as a — you guessed it: A turtle! — that someone gave it that nickname, and guess what? It stuck!!!

Of course, those kinds of secrets, and I guess no one really tried to keep it a secret — I mean, would you? — they’re pretty hard to keep. Would you keep quiet about $100 rent for a nice two bedroom house like the one on your right? What? A for-sale sign? I see it. Oh, no, sir, I’m pretty sure it’s out of your range.

Anyway, long story short, right? Word got out, and folks from Charleston and even Atlanta starting buying up properties and charging the rents they were worth, and then increased the rents to where the name no longer fit at all! How about Cheetatown? More like it, right?

Turtletown boasts of two brewpubs, three traditional bars and a pizza place named for one of Eek Lair’s albums. Later, if you want to get some slices, we can order lunch from Abolitionist Pizza.

We’re moving north again, this time to see the old trainyard and the reconstructed caboose that was featured on another of Eek Lair’s albums. Those of you who purchased the prestige package are permitted inside the caboose, which also serves as a gift shop. If you didn’t get the prestige package and are interested in the shop’s items, you can shop from your phone on eekclaireboose.com. Yes, eekclaireboose is one word.

And there it is, the famous caboose that Kurt Craytor, Eek Lair’s drummer, often “crashed” in with his sleeping bag before meeting with the other guys. A story goes with that: One night Kurt went to bed, or bag, ha ha, and woke up to find the caboose actually moving! By the time it stopped it was forty miles away in a town called Cow Park. Oh, you know it!? It sounds wonderful! Anyway, Kurt was able to get back by hopping another train, but got horribly beaten with his own drumsticks by a railway policeman who I know was just doing his job. Kurt also lost almost all his belongings, which thankfully did not amount to much.

Now, we’re in the neighborhood where Kurt continues to live. Unfortunately, I am not permitted to reveal exactly where, even to those of you with the prestige package. I do take bribes, though. Just kidding, ha ha ha — oops! Pete, why did you stop so fast? Ouch!

Anyway, this part of Garamonde is a great story. In the eighties and early nineties, rentals were so cheap that musicians and artists could afford them. Even a poets or too. The problem was finding a place before someone else snatched it up — much like buying properties is now.

Those artists who had someone with money in their families sometimes asked for help buying properties. So some artists ended up owning some of these beautiful homes, maybe renting out half to help pay mortgages.

So what happened to these artists? Well, many of them stopped being artists; you know, it’s time-consuming owning an old house, right? Who’s got time to make silly songs or pictures?

The ones who kept being artists usually found themselves struggling to keep up with repairs — like those cards you get in Monopoly, right? “General repairs needed on your properties blah blah blah?” Then you have to pay all your money. And hope there’s a bank error in your favor, right? Ha! Ha!

So, being the creative beasts they are, they sold what equity they had, and went back to living wherever they could afford. Now they’re scattered all over the surrounding areas, still enriching our culture, but remotely. Sort of lovely, isn’t it? Kind of like love letters from afar….

It was — yes, sir? Yes, we’ll get back to the music part of the tour. I know everyone wants to see Magic Corner. Pete, could you — whoa! Ha! Ol’ Leadfoot Pete! Glad you all are sitting down!

Anyway, as we head back downtown, is there anyone who hasn’t heard of Magic Corner? A few hands, maybe? It’s okay.

It’s maybe not too well known that, once upon a time, there were hippies here. Yes, we’re talking about the mid seventies. They wore long hair, they sang protest songs, they “tripped,” they “streaked,” they “dropped out,” and they dropped back in and ended up getting teaching jobs throughout the country.

But before all that, they hung out at something either they or someone else dubbed “The Magic Corner.” I know, Pete, you think you came up with the name. Maybe you did! Anyway, it had all kinds of unique shops, like vegetarian restaurants like Mamapapa — you may have heard of that one — and “head shops” where you could buy, um, well, “groovy stuff,” ha ha, boutiques that sold denim jackets, and one important record store, Waxetrous, that still stands today and still sells vinyl records!

Pete has found us a parking spot, a weird one, ha, but it’s close enough. If we could exit the bus and follow me, watch out for trucks, we’ll take a little walk and…what, ma’am? Well, sure, you can stay on the bus. You too, sir? Okay. Well…who wants to walk to the Magic Corner? Anybody? Nobody. Okay. Pete? Well, it looks like Pete wants to walk to Magic Corner. Let’s just go to Magic Corner, okay? You won’t be disappointed. I promise! Thanks!

Brrr! Cold today! Let’s move at a brisk pace. Okay, sir, I see you have a walker. It’s okay. I won’t lose track of you. Now why is Pete going into the Bar Burrito? I guess he didn’t have breakfast.

Well, here we are and it’s — what? Did you say it’s closed? But the open sign is on! And it’s 11:30! Well, what kind of place isn’t open at 11 in the morning? It opens at 1:00? That is just…well, that’s a hippie for you, right?

Anyway, this is the historic Magic Corner, the place where…I said, THIS IS THE HISTORIC MAGIC CORNER, THE PLACE WHERE SO MANY WONDERFUL THINGS HAPPENED, LIKE, HIPPIES DID THEIR THING, AND UM, THEY…what? You’re hungry too? Well, we were going to get Abolitionist Pizza…you want to go to Bar Burrito?

OKAY, WHO WANTS TO CHECK OUT BAR BURRITO? WHAT? NO, I THINK IT’S PRETTY DECENT. A CHAIN. A chain restaurant. I went to one in Athens, Georgia. Pretty good chimichangas. WELL, IF THAT’S WHAT WE WANT TO DO, LET’S CAREFULLY CROSS THE STREET AND GET SOME LUNCH.

OKAY, THE WALK LIGHT IS ON, LET’S GO. Sir, can you make it across? Okay. Here we go. Okay. Okay. Okay — HEY, SCREW YOU, BUDDY. WE’RE TRYING TO CROSS THE STREET, SHOVE THAT HORN UP YOUR…okay, ha! Sorry, everybody. I guess I’m still just a little ticked at that stupid hippie record store.

Let’s go in. Oh! Pete’s at the bar! Hi Pete! Okay! Pete thinks we should get a few tables. No, I’m sure he’s okay. Well, one beer won’t affect his driving, don’t worry. What? Do you think that’s tequila? Oh, it’s probably just water. Yes, there are…thirteen of us. No. Did we need a reservation? Oh, phew! I guess we need, three tables?

I’ll just sit at the end here so I can keep an eye on all of you. Ha! I said, I’ll just sit here so I can…I’LL JUST SIT HERE, I SAID. EXCUSE ME SIR? SIR? DOES THIS MUSIC NEED TO BE SO LOUD? CAN YOU TURN IT DOWN PLEASE? THANK YOU!!!

God, it’s deafening. I wonder how these people can even function. Probably all in bands, they’ve got hearing loss. Pete? Hey, Pete! Pete? He’s ignoring me. That’s okay, I guess he’s on break. Technically I’m his superior, but you know, I’ll let it go. Just like I’ll let it go that he’s drinking on the job. He’s been through a lot, I guess. Once he owned an entire newspaper. Then it kind of went downhill with the Internet and everything. Some businesses just can’t adapt.

It didn’t help that his wife left him for Eek Lair’s manager. When? Oh, it must be ten years ago now. I think it kind of broke him. That was one of the reasons we gave him a chance at this job.

Do we all know what we want? Yes, it’ll have to be separate checks. I’ll have the chimichanga with no peppers or onions, thank you. No, just sweet tea.

Anyway, Pete wrote for the weekly paper here for a while; they let him write opinion pieces, and most of them were so negative about Garamonde I couldn’t even make it through them. I mean, why stay, if you hate it so much here? If he thinks Columbia or Anderson or Spartanburg is better, be my guest, move there. This town doesn’t have time for your negativity.

I mean, look at him. His head almost on the bar. Oh, it is on the bar! Pete! I’ll check and make sure he’s all right.

Pete?

Well, he’s…asleep. No. Me? No, I can’t drive a bus. Can you imagine? We’ll figure it out. Let me just have some lunch and think about it.